A Guide to the Oscar Best Picture Nominees for Everyone Else

It’s no secret that I like movies . . . love movies . . . love movies a lot. For nearly every week of the year, you can find me in the dark of a cinema, be it with a summer blockbuster, a silly comedy, a sappy romance, or an artsy indie flick. Really, I don’t discriminate much in what I’ll see, as long as it’s good.

But there’s no time of year that I love more for movies than what is commonly known as awards season. From September to January, studios roll out their films that drip with innovation, artistry, significance, or all the above. And like a coach choosing his winning team, Hollywood execs aim these films to win awards, hoping to up their profit margins. (Yes, at the end of the day, it’s still all about money—but that’s a discussion for another time.)

Having said that, I am aware that the vast majority of people often feel a disconnect from awards season films. What do they care for those obscure, high-brow titles that sometimes they’ve never even heard of? How could they have seen them when they only ran at that one theater downtown where they show all the “weird” movies? Or worse, why see movies about what those “liberal elites” want them to believe and think?

And I get it. Film is not everyone’s thing. Some people go to the movies solely for entertainment, not for an artistic experience, and there’s nothing wrong with that. (All I ask is you all admit there’s also nothing wrong with me not getting the big deal about watching a bunch of guys throw a ball around.)

Still, if I can stand to watch the best football teams play in the Super Bowl, everyone else can add at least one Oscar-nominated film to their to-watch list.

I’m a firm believer that new experiences are what make us better people. So, I challenge those of you who don’t venture beyond the latest summer popcorn flick to step out of your cinematic comfort zone for a moment.

To help, I have created this list, ranking the Best Picture nominees for this year from Least to Most Accessible to Mass Audiences. My gauge here is my friends and family who don’t examine films and simply want to see a good, agreeable movie (i.e. my mom).

 

9. Phantom Thread

Who Will Like It: Fans of the director, Paul Thomas Anderson, costume design nerds, and auteur cinema aficionados.

Who Won’t Like It: Pretty much everyone else.

Look, I love artsy, unconventional films more than most people. But even I struggled to get through this one. If your biggest gripe about Oscar films is that they’re slow and boring, run as far as you can from this one.

 

8. Call Me By Your Name

Who Will Like It: Anyone wanting to see the rare creature that is superior LGBTQ cinema; the beauty of Northern Italy will delight globetrotters too.

Who Won’t Like It: Obviously if you bristle at the sight of two dudes kissing or getting it on, you’re going to struggle here. The age difference might bother you too; it did for me a bit.

This is a gorgeous film, and easily the most noteworthy gay romance since Brokeback Mountain. But even if the gayness doesn’t bother you, Call Me By Your Name is a risque art film, through and through. Even if it were a hypothetical straight couple in the same story (impossible as that would be), this film still might be too much for Joe Popcorn.

 

7. Lady Bird

Who Will Like It: Daughters who have a complicated relationship with their moms, and anyone who can sympathize with that.

Who Won’t Like It: Those annoyed by “mumblecore”—low budget films where teens and young adults talk a lot and not much happens in the plot. Many feel Lady Bird is the best mumblecore ever made.

Lady Bird sports awesome performances from Lucas Hedges, Laurie Metcalf, and, of course, Saoirse Ronan. It also, for a while, was the best reviewed movie in Rotten Tomatoes history. Still, funny as it is, you have to enjoy a dialogue-heavy, slice-of-ordinary-life movie to like this one.

 

6. The Shape of Water

Who Will Like It: If a darker, more adult, and more science-fictiony retelling of Beauty and the Beast sounds like your thing, do not miss it.

Who Won’t Like It: Make no mistake, Shape of Water is the weirdest entry this year. It’s simple: mute lady falls in love with amphibious fish-man. Does that sound too out there for you? That’s the least bizarre part about it, so skip it if it does.

I cannot tell you how much it pains me to put this one so low on the list, as Shape of Water is my number one movie of the year. It’s gorgeous, emotive, and a far more relevant LGBTQ film than Call Me By Your Name (yes I said it #sorrynotsorry). But I have to be honest: the subject matter is just going to be too weird for most (not to mention it’s the most sexually explicit of the list . . . yeah, it goes there).

 

5. Get Out

Who Will Like It: Even being the latest in the burgeoning indie-horror-flick-with-something-to-say-about-society category (which is what the best horror has always been anyway), Get Out will still appeal to anyone who enjoys a good scary movie . . .

Who Won’t Like It: . . . unless you’re the type who believes that films should never have any political or social commentary whatsoever . . . or you think Black Lives Matter is a hate group . . . please don’t ever admit to me if it’s the latter.

I struggled whether to put this one at number four or five. But I figured a horror film holds less wide appeal than what I did place at number four. Still, if the violence or scares don’t turn you off (it wins goriest award on this list) you should add Get Out to your to-watch list.

 

4. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Who Will Like It: This is all around a great movie with socially relevant ideas that everyone can relate to. Honestly, everyone could use a dose of this film in our troubled and divisive world.

Who Won’t Like It: Without giving too much away, Three Billboards isn’t going to satisfy audiences who have to have Hollywood endings.

Don’t let its spot on the list fool you: Three Billboards is not your run-of-the-mill drama. Still, it earns number four by being laugh-out-loud funny with a hero audiences will instantly like and root for. Be advised though that it earns the roughest language award of the list (only I, Tonya could have beaten it).

 

At this point we’re moving on to the only three nominated films that are not rated R. And yes, I did this on purpose. Let’s face it, broad mass appeal includes appealing to a variety of age groups.

 

3. Darkest Hour

Who Will Like It: Watching Gary Oldman become Winston Churchill is the draw here (hence all his awards). Your history buffs might also enjoy yet another take on the trusty subject of World War II. (Then again, they may hate its fudging of facts.)

Who Won’t Like It: Gary Oldman’s near-perfect recreation of Churchill’s mumbling might frustrate some. And since it’s about the conversations that go on in strategy rooms, it’s not exactly your typical war movie.

Every year the Academy picks at least one film they would have nominated fifty years ago. Darkest Hour is that pick this year. It has everything you think of when you think “Oscar movie”: career performance from veteran actor, WWII, “based on real events”, relatively safe choices, WWII. True to form, Darkest Hour (note there’s no “the” in the title) is not the most exciting film. Be sure you’re well-rested.

 

2. The Post

Who Will Like It: Do you like films about journalism like All The President’s Men? Do you want to see one woman take on a group of men who thinks she’s incapable in the best “get it girl” moment since Wonder Woman? Fancy political intrigue and think Nixon is the worst thing that ever happened to this country? If any of those apply, check it out.

Who Won’t Like It: I’d like to say that three of Hollywood’s most respected names didn’t come together to make a statement film about our current president. That it’s not film about feminism. That it’s not a film about the vilifying of the free press, nor what a transparent government should look like . . . but that’s exactly what it is. Your politics may hate them for it.

You can almost feel how badly Spielberg and crew wanted to make this film. I’d be curious to know how long this script has been around and if it was only picked up because of current events. Regardless of how relevant it is, The Post is a solid film that only suffers from not living up to the potential of those involved . . . and it ain’t no Spotlight.

 

1. Dunkirk

Who Will Like It: The idea here is that most everyone will, in my humble opinion, find something to enjoy about this one.

Who Won’t Like It: The one caveat is that if you’re not crazy about movies where people don’t talk a whole lot, where there is no true main character, or with Nolan’s creative story structure, you might still find it tedious.

Up until I saw Shape of Water, this film was number one on my list and is still number two. I think many have forgotten in the ensuing months how incredible a film Dunkirk is. Nolan uses his non-linear plot to thrilling effect. The cinematography is spectacular. It’s the best sound design and sound editing I’ve heard since Fury Road. Most of all, it possesses a universal expression of war and survival that most anyone can relate to, even if they’ve never seen a battlefield. And I pity you if you missed this one in IMAX.

 

Now for some honorable mentions of films that were clearly gunning for Oscars and are worth checking out:

Mudbound: I am stunned and frankly upset Phantom Thread and Darkest Hour were nominated for Best Picture over this. Be advised this film has a tough scene to watch (I was ugly-crying).

I, Tonya: This could have had Phantom Thread‘s place, too. Watch out for the 100+ f-bombs though.

The Big Sick: Best rom-com I’ve seen in years.

Molly’s Game: For the Sorkin fans out there; perhaps his most “fun” project ever.

Coco: Okay, if you haven’t seen this one yet, drop everything and see it now. Best Pixar film since Inside Out.

The Florida Project: Not for everyone, but beautiful in its own way.

 

So there you have it. And remember, many of these are coming back to theaters for limited “Oscar marathons” so you may still catch them if you missed out the first time.

See you at the movies!

My Top Three Films of 2015

Full disclosure: this list was originally supposed to be a top ten list. I sat down with a list of all the films released in 2015, picked out the ones I had seen that I ascribed a certain level of quality to, and then began the task of ferreting out which were my ten favorites of the year.

Except I couldn’t pick ten. I got to about eight, and then I felt myself stuck with many worthy contenders left to choose from, but couldn’t decide out of all of them which were the two that outshone the others.

So I decided to instead go with a list of five. Out of the eight I picked, I had four that immediately went to the top of the list . . . except I couldn’t pick the fifth out of the remaining four.

Now, I could have just gone with four, but three is such a clean number. So I dropped the fourth that was probably most influenced by my own personal experiences and less by its actual quality (we’ll get to it in a sec) and finalized my top three.

I’m actually happy to have had this conundrum. Why? Because it shows that 2015 was an excellent year for film. So many of the films this year were of an exceptional quality, and what’s more, they were all quite likeable. This year is the first where I can honestly say that I actually enjoyed all of the Oscar nominees for Best Picture and would happily watch any of them again.

I think I mostly have The Force Awakens to thank for this: being faced with the inevitable box office juggernaut that film would be (and has proven to be), I think most producers and studio execs chose this year to focus less on box office draw and more on films that may not be raking in the crowds, but are of a high-quality nonetheless.

So, first up, here’s all the films I considered that didn’t make my top eight, but were still excellent films that I’d recommend to most cinephiles:

Black Mass—Johnny’s best role in years.

Bridge of Spies—great, but I wanted so much more out of a Spielberg/Cohen Bros collab.

Brooklyn—in a word, charming.

Carol—Cate Blanchett is a goddess . . .

The Danish Girl—and Eddie Redmayne is a god (need to get those two in a film together).

The End of the Tour—Jason Segel can act! Who knew?

Ex Machina—best “actual” sci-fi of the year, featuring Poe Dameron and General Hux!

It Follows— best horror about horror since Scream.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl—the thinking man’s Fault in Our Stars.

Room—powerful, but brutal. Probably the “heaviest” film I saw this year.

Sicario—underrated. Has one of the most well-paced scenes I’ve seen in a long time.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens—issues I have with it aside, thank the Lord for Rey.

Steve Jobs—Aaron Sorkin really only does one thing, but he does it so well.

Straight Outta Compton—gangsta rap makes more sense to me now. I rest my case.

Trainwreck—Schumer and Apatow punked their fans and made a chick flick—success.

Trumbo—I hope Bryan Cranston gets more work like this . . . he’s far too talented for less.

The Walk—an odd but visually stunning heist film/tribute to the Twin Towers.

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And now for the four films that were in my top eight but I couldn’t decide between for the fifth spot in my never-to-be top five:

The Big Short—this movie pissed me off, which I guess was the point, but it also used some clever and out-of-the-box methods to explain the financial crisis. This film is one that I think every person in America should watch, but I think few who actually need to will.

Creed—I was genuinely shocked how much I liked this movie. I don’t like sports movies generally, I really don’t like Sylvester Stallone, and I haven’t ever seen a Rocky movie. But, there’s a sincerity and positivity here that you can’t help but love, and Michael B. Jordan.

The Martian—I think Matt Damon stands the best chance to steal Leo’s Oscar. What I think I enjoyed the most about this one was its ability to inject quite a bit of honest humor into a dire situation, which was refreshing for this kind of story.

The Revenant—For the love of all that is good and holy, just give the man his Oscar already! What more must he do? Actually get attacked by a bear? Beyond that, this film sports some of the best nature cinematography I’ve seen in a long time.

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And now for the film that is technically part of my top four, but I let slide for aesthetics:

Love and Mercy—I had been waiting for this film for such a long time. Not just when I knew it was being produced, but from the moment I first learned of Brian Wilson’s struggle with mental illness and the abusive relationship he had with his “therapist” Eugene Landy. I always felt it was such an important story, the kind that isn’t told nearly enough. And while the film was solid, with an innovative double casting of Wilson with John Cusack (some of his best work) and Paul Dano (always great), excellent supporting performances by Elizabeth Banks and Paul Giamatti, and amazing recreations of the Pet Sounds studio sessions, I have to admit that much of my enjoyment of this film comes from my fandom of The Beach Boys and the personal notes a story about dangerous therapeutic methods hit for me. Still, I think it’s one of the more underrated films of the year, and I recommend it to anyone who loves music, has dealt with mental illness, or has ever written Brian Wilson off as “crazy.”

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And now, without further ado, in alphabetical order, my Top Three Films of 2015 . . .

Inside Out

Undeniably Pixar’s best film since Up (yes, that includes Toy Story 3). I still remember when I saw this film in theaters and being absolutely blown away at how deep and meaningful a children’s film was diving. Moreover, I’ve never seen anything explain so completely yet so simply what is going on in the mind of someone broken by depression, anxiety, stress, insecurity, or just plain growing up. The animation is nothing short of gorgeous, the voice-acting is pitch perfect, and the screenplay is one of the most original ideas Pixar has ever had. Granted, this year has been an emotional one for me, and I did see this less than 48 hours after publicly coming out, so perhaps my perspective is a little skewed, but I truly believe this one will become known as one of Pixar’s greatest triumphs.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Never before in my life has a film more pleasantly surprised me than this one. Actually, joyously stunned and gobsmacked is a better term. Seriously, where in the hell did this come from? Mad Max was supposed to be some lame summer-crowd action film that would maybe have a nice opening weekend and then sputter out. Never, and I mean never, did I expect something like this. From the opening frame until the closing credits, this gem is an unyielding, all-stops-pulled-out, balls-to-the-wall, adrenaline-fueled masterpiece of an action film. I could go on and on about what makes this film so freakin’ amazing: the practical effects, the feminism, the guy with the flame-throwing electric guitar, the cinematography, Charlize Theron, the script, the pacing, my boyfriend Tom Hardy, the weird stilt-creatures, the commentary on blind devotion to religion, “who killed the world?”, the freakin’ guy with the flame-throwing electric guitar, the expert camera work during the chase scenes, “oh, what a lovely day”, those long pole-swingy things . . . oh, and did I mention the freakin’ guy with the FLAME-THROWING ELECTRIC GUITAR??? (Which I recently learned was also a practical effect: that guitar really did do that). Just . . . I don’t know what else to say. This movie kicked a**, and I pity anyone who didn’t see it.

Spotlight

There are many types of well-made movies, but two particular categories are the “well-made movie that is very much aware of how well-made it is and can be kind of pretentious about it” and the “well-made, but unassuming movie that isn’t so much interested in impressing  you with how well-made it is but would rather just get back to telling a story.” Understandably, directors almost can’t help showing off, so this latter category is rare but is one of my absolute favorite kind of films. Spotlight is that kind of film. No bells and whistles in the film-making itself, but everything there—the cinematography, the editing, the visuals—is top notch. No stand-out, hand-me-my-Oscar performance from any one actor, but not a weak or phoned-in treatment from any cast member can be found. Nothing in this film is out to impress—all of the elements work to the singular aim of telling an effective story, much like the reporters the film itself is about.

And if I had to guess why, it’s because of the strongest element of this film: the script and the subject matter it handles. When dealing with an issue so powerful and so horrific, any self-awareness or self-promotion feels like exploitative grandstanding. At the same time, never once does the film try to shy away from the reality of what it’s talking about: terms like “abuse” or “misconduct” aren’t used to sugar-coat the dark and sobering nightmare the Boston Globe team uncovered. The film strikes that perfect balance of telling the stark, unadulterated truth without resorting to shock-value or extreme methods to tell that truth. I’m thinking this one might end up your Best Picture of the Year at the Oscars, and for good reason.

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So there you have it . . . now on to 2016.

– Blake L.

A Gay Mormon’s Take on “The Force Awakens”

 

Spoiler Warning: this post will ruin the biggest reveals and plot points of the film, so cease reading if you plan on seeing it and prefer to be surprised.

Now, before I begin, a disclaimer so the fanboys don’t flog me in public: I liked “The Force Awakens.” Truly, I did. It was a good movie . . . I might even say it was a great movie. The character Rey, from the way she’s written to her costume design and makeup to Daisy Ridley’s performance, is quite simply the greatest single element ever to come from a Star Wars film and what truly shines here. The return of Han, Leia, and Luke fills one with nostalgic glee, and the new generation with Finn and Po is promising.

But, there’s something that bothered me . . . not enough that I didn’t like the film . . . as I said on Facebook after I saw it, if Star Wars has ever meant anything to you, you should see it. Honestly, there are few people that I wouldn’t recommend it to.

But . . . something still bothered me. At first, I thought it was the plot. The moment Po gave the map to BB-8 within the first five minutes, there was a little voice inside of me that said, “Again?” I set it aside, thinking that maybe it was a simple nod to the original film. And yet, as the film progressed, more and more it became clear to me:

J. J. Abrams has remade the original film.

Well, maybe that’s not entirely fair. I’d say it’s about 70% remake, 20% reboot, and 10% sequel. (come on, guys, how much of the story is really related to the events of the previous films?) Still, once again we have an oppressive military complex with a planet-destroying superweapon, once again we have an orphan on a deserty planet following Campbell’s Hero Journey, once again, we have the horrific death of a mentor figure at the hands of a filial figure, once again we have a scrappy and inspiring team of rebel – er, I mean resistance fighters, once again we have a cantina scene, once again we have the Millenium Falcon used primarily as an escape vehicle, once again we have a thrilling climax where the fate of our heroes comes down to a matter of moments (I could go on).

 

 

The more I thought about it though, the more I thought, you know, that doesn’t really bother me. Admittedly, I am getting a more and more severe case of what I am dubbing “fanboy fatigue” with every reboot and resurrection of every single staple of geek culture . . . having never really been a fanboy of anything, I almost feel like the kid standing at the foot of a tree while the guys up in treehouse snicker at me because I don’t know the “secret password” to join the club with every one of these efforts that feels like its greatest concern is appeasing the demanding and at times unforgiving fanboys who want everything to be exactly the way it’s always been and will crucify anyone who suggests otherwise either in word or through their own cinematic efforts (seriously, fanboys and diehards, listen to me: you’re becoming the bullies that tormented you so much growing up).

Still, I’m even okay with “The Force Awakens” being Abrams’s fanboy love letter to the ‘77 original—imitation of plot, character, and all—were it not for one little element that still hangs on from the original trilogy and continues to be what after all this time I have finally realized is the my biggest hang-up with these films, from the original trilogy to the maligned prequels and to what I fear will continue in these new efforts:

The Star Wars films have no sense of moral ambiguity, or, to paraphrase a line from the series, they only deal in absolutes of good and evil.

 

From Jedi to Sith, light side to dark side, Rebellion to Empire, Obi Wan to Vader, and now Resistance to First Order and Rey to Kylo Ren, the Star Wars narrative has always been extremely clear on what is right and what is wrong, who is good and who is bad, what is righteous and what is evil, who is fighting for peace and who is fighting for domination, and who is a calm, centered person and who is an angry, troubled person.

The problem is, barring a handful of exceptions, telling the “good guys” from the “bad guys” usually has very little to do with character actions and behaviors and mostly to do with the movie telling you who is who: these are the good guys because we can see their faces, they seem a jollier and more fun-loving bunch, and we have Williams’s fanfare to accompany them; these are the bad guys because they wear stark colors like black, white, red, and gray, they speak with sneers and acid, they only ever seem to give or take orders, and they walk around to Williams’s minor-chord marches.

Honestly, I’d argue that, again with only a few exceptions, nearly every “bad” action of a “villain” either imitates or resembles a “good” action of a “hero,” making our defined morality very rigid and unwavering, but also paradoxically rather arbitrary other than out-and-out dictating to the audience that what these people do is good and what these people do is bad.

And that bothers me.

I mean, I get it: these stories are akin to mythology, fairy tale, folklore, and even Westerns where such definitions usually are fairly clear, and part of the appeal of the films has always been their timeless nature, capable of captivating both kids and adults, which is difficult to do if you get too much up in the headspace of questioning what is right and what is wrong.

Which is what I think may have happened to the prequels. I find it interesting that one of the most maligned lines of dialogue from the prequels also happens to point to what the prequels could have been had Lucas not been so caught up in his self-importance and trying to wow everyone:

 

 

“From my point of view the Jedi are evil!” Anakin cries.

Yes, it’s a weak line, and it’s delivered laughably from Hayden Christensen. But! Had we actually explored this idea that “you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view,” the prequels could have been amazing, as detailed in this article.

But other than those failed attempts (or non-attempts if Lucas didn’t even realize that opportunity was right under his nose), the Star Wars films are perfectly content to dictate very rigid and unwavering notions of right and wrong, good and evil. There are no liminal characters—those who live in the space between two opposing worlds—with the possible exception of Anakin/Vader (who, again, we could have made it there had the prequels not been so bungled) and the loveable but still criminal rogue Han Solo (ever wonder why so many people love him so much?).

So why does this bother me, you ask? Well, being gay and Mormon, I’ve always considered my own life and my own experiences very liminal—caught between the two worlds of my faith and my sexuality. And the kind of binary thinking that prevails Star Wars dialogue about the light and dark side of the Force very much resembles at times the attitudes I hear both from the Mormon community about the LGBT community and from the LGBT community about the Mormon community. Many of your more conservative members of the Mormon community are quick in declaring the “homosexual lifestyle” as degenerate, immoral, and yes, evil, in much the same way that those of the light side speak of the “seductive” nature of the dark side. On the other hand, many of your more extreme members of the LGBT community are quick to declare the entirety of Mormondom as self-righteous, narrow-minded, and limited, much in the same way those of the dark side speak of the light side.

Really, it’s no surprise to me that the state of Utah is such a hot spot for Star Wars fandom: the dominant religion here declares that “there’s the right and the wrong to every question”, that “wrong is never right”, and that “a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water”. So of course, these clear distinctions of good and evil, right and wrong, light and dark and so forth fit right in, with some doctrines sounding identical to Jedi training lines.

Except of course, for those of us who find ourselves caught in the crossfire and who can’t help but see more than a few shades of gray in this black and white thinking.

Nowhere in “The Force Awakens” did this extremely simplistic morality nag at me more than in the backstory of Kylo Ren. Now, we don’t know much of what happened to him yet (and perhaps I’m jumping the gun), but from what I can gather, Luke began to train him as a Jedi, he was drawn to the dark side of the Force much to his parents’ dismay and went on to be a key player in the newest version of the oppressive military complex and to be the latest of the Star Wars baddies to commit some version of patricide.

 

 

Moreover, he’s presented without the least smidgen of sympathy: he joins the dark side roster of individuals prone to angsty adolescent rage, is regarded as less than the person he was before, and isn’t given a ounce of understanding or humanity, other than his parents’ hope that they might “bring him back” to the right side of things.

And why? Because Ben/Kylo at some point decided he didn’t believe in his mom’s/uncle’s religion and decided to pursue another path? Obviously, for him to do so is bad and wrong because the Jedi and what they espouse are always good and right, right? So, of course, any consternation from Han, Leia, and Luke for such a choice is completely justified because they’re without question on the right side of the issue, aren’t they? So any rebellious push back from him is simply evidence that he’s going in the wrong direction, right? 

Yeah, that kind of resonates with me in a negative way. Best example? The whole dialogue between Han and Leia about him seeing their son, their worry that they’ve lost him, how it tore them apart, and how they might be able to save him sounded identical to the conversation two conservatively Christian parents might have at the sight of their “wayward” child. Because in the morality of Star Wars, those who try to follow their own path and figure out their own lives apart from the influence of their parents, other family members, and traditional beliefs are bound to end up being evil tyrants (whiny and prone to fits of immature rage, no less) who end up killing their fathers.

Again, as a gay Mormon who has seen the vast majority of my peers go through such a realignment of their beliefs and priorities, and a whole sub-community of people who have other reasons to doubt and question what they’ve been taught since their youth and perhaps forge their own paths in life, I take issue with the rigid morality of Star Wars, where the only rule seems to be “these people are good and these people are bad.”

And again, I get this is mythology where you almost have to have such distinct definitions of good and evil. My world, unfortunately, has never been one where morality and notions of right and wrong have been so cut and dry. I’ve never been able to rely wholly on an institution or faith system to perfectly dictate how I should act or what I should do. Life is much more complicated than that, and I know I’m not unique in thinking this way. Many, many people in many, many circumstances live in that kind of in-between space; perhaps this kind of story is a way for them to escape that ambiguity and experience a world where it is that simple, but it doesn’t work that way for me.

So, yes, I liked “The Force Awakens” and I’m okay that we basically remade the original film. What I struggle with is that we’ve also remade the simplistic morality that the original trilogy only barely tried to surpass in “The Empire Strikes Back” or “Return of the Jedi” and that the prequels hopelessly lost the opportunity to shatter.

And who knows? Maybe Abrams is going to finally shake up this good/evil status quo. I mean, I had hope, in the final fight between Rey and Kylo, that we were heading in that direction. There was a moment when Rey’s eyes flashed with fury and anger, and for a brief moment I thought, finally, we’re going to go there . . .

. . . I guess we’ll see what happens in Episode VIII.

– Blake L.

Ten Reasons Why the New TMNT is Awful and You Should Avoid It Like the Plague

Okay, I haven’t posted in a long time. That’s mostly because I’ve become a boring adult with a boring job in the boring real world and usually use my free time doing anything that doesn’t resemble work, which means I’ve accomplished a significant amount of Netflix bingeing in the past little while However, I have experienced a plight so horrific that I feel compelled to raise a warning voice to anyone who may fall an unsuspecting victim to it as I did: the newly released Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For those of you who may not know, I am quite selective in my choice of movies for several reasons. First, movies are expensive. As much as I may have dreamed once upon a time of being a movie critic and getting to see all movies for free as part of my job, thanks to bloggers and vloggers everywhere, I may never realize that dream and have to pay from my meager salary for the ever rising costs of a theater ticket. So yeah, I’m going to be careful with what I spend my funds on.

Second, speaking of money, what we choose to spend our money on is the only real power we, the middle and lower classes, have left in this capitalistic world of ours. It’s the vote of our dollar. The movies we pay money for sends a message to the millionaires who make the movies that says: hey! make more of this! So yes, I feel a bit of responsibility for the cultural society I live in to do my little part to improve what it calls entertainment.

Finally, I ascribe to the notion that what kind of entertainment you consume can affect you as a person. However, unlike many I know, I’m far less concerned about being desensitized to violence or sex by graphic content of such in films as I am about being desensitized to dull, unimaginative, unintelligent, asinine, unchallenging, or coddling ideas. Art should never be any of these things, and, since film is a creative endeavor, it is art.

So Blake, you may ask, why then would you go see a film that had such horrid reviews and bad press? Let me be clear: I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Growing up with three moms, I really didn’t have a chance to be exposed to a lot of the icons that my peers adored: X-Men, Power Rangers, Spider-Man, Batman, etc. But I had the Turtles. You can ask my mom; she still has my old Turtles action figures and Technodrome (still so cool). And granted, I didn’t want to see this film. I would have been perfectly happy never having seen it . . . but a friend of mine with a particularly astute sense of schadenfreude made me promise that I’d go with him months before it came out. At the time I tried to believe that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. When the reviews came out and my fears were realized, I had no choice but to fulfill my promise and go so my friend could “drink my tears.”

Well, luckily I didn’t cry. I had thought that maybe if I went in with really low expectations it wouldn’t be so bad. Oh but it was so bad. It was sooooooooooo bad. Was my childhood destroyed just a tiny bit more than it had already been by the 2007 animated TMNT? No . . . it was destroyed almost entirely. Any hope that I may have had before that perhaps someday a decent Turtles film adaptation could be accomplished, unhampered by neither clunky 90s effects (those rubber suits) nor clunky screenwriting, have been all but obliterated. So for those of you who may have even considered it, I implore you: stay away. Here, in no particular order, are ten reasons why:

 

 

10. The Screenplay

Okay, let’s just deal with this one now, since it’s the largest. I could probably write an entire post of how awful the script is for this film. In fact, it would be a great candidate for the book How Not to Write a Screenplay. But, since we’re already entering TL:DR territory, here are some highlights . . . or lowlights:

– Megan Fox the Exposition Fairy

– not even a farthing of measurable character development

– some actual lines of dialogue: “RAPHAEL!!!!” (screamed for no apparent reason); “tonight, I will have turtle soup” (in what was, based on its dead serious delivery, supposed to be Shredder’s stone-cold villain line); “SHREDDER!!!!” (also screamed for no apparent reason); and (no, I am not joking), “you killed my father.” (I wish I had brought a notebook, I’d have so many more).

– The Derivative Drinking Game: I’m not a drinking man, but my friends who do drink are welcome to try this. Take a shot every time you recognize something from a different and better superhero film. Here are some hints to give you a little (and I do mean little) head-start: a father killed in a lab “accident” by his turncoat partner; a villain planning to poison a city by releasing a dangerous gas into the air from a skyscraper (that’s the third time, now?); the genius zealot who turns out to be the villain; a young reporter not being taken seriously; a dramatic “death” scene; using pop-culture lines associated with the franchise in the actual script; giving a character a line that turns the traditional pop-culture name of the heroes into something awkward, because that’s still funny, right? (I’ll stop here)

 

9. Poorly Filmed Fight Sequences

Maybe I should just called this “poorly filmed in general.” For a film that does use some pretty impressive CGI to create the turtles, it’s annoying that so many of the fight sequences are so difficult to follow. What directors of the Bayhem movement (more on that later) fail to understand is that the human eye can only take in so much action at once. If you never give us time to see what is going on before moving to the next thing we will have no idea what the hell is going on. And like followers of Bayhem, this director has no concept of a static shot. I think I literally counted three times in the whole film where the frame was not moving. It’s boring and one-noted. Stop it.

 

8. Whoopi Goldberg and the Job of Ridiculousness

Yes, Whoopi Goldberg is in this film. And yes, it is heartbreaking to see this accomplished and talented actress plodding through the horrific scenes that she’s in. Megan Fox’s Amy O’Neal works for Channel 6, where apparently all adults act with the professionalism and maturity of junior high students. I can’t take seriously O’Neal’s plight of not being respected as a reporter because I can’t take seriously that this job she has (interviewing fitness instructors who are promoting exercising like birds . . . no I am not joking) or these co-workers she has resemble anything in the real world. Whoopi, I realize you may have needed a paycheck but this is just sad.

 

7. Convenience Buttons

I counted these twice, but perhaps there’s more (another fun drinking game). At one point our reptilian heroes are having their oozy blood drained, and our brave Megan Fox must save them by pumping adrenaline to their system. How convenient that the shiny, medical console-thingy has a touch screen with nice large red widget on the home screen that literally reads “Adrenaline Injection.” The other is the “Lab Abort” button (yes, that is what it says) in the “climax” of the film that causes steam/smoke to spray from the ceiling which apparently stops bad things from happening.

 

6. His Master Plan is What?

If there’s one pet peeve of mine in films, even cartoony superhero films, it’s villains that have no clear purpose, direction, or goal. Say what you will about Disney movies, at least their villains always know what they want and go after it. But villains with vague intentions seem to be more and more the standard as witnessed in films like Into Darkness, The Amazing Spider-Man (both) and even Skyfall to an extent. I find myself asking more and more in films with clear antagonists: what are they after? What’s the endgame here? In this film, on multiple occasions, our antagonists express that their ultimate desire is to “own the city.” Here’s my first question about that: what? No, really, what the hell does that mean? (Even better is when said villain who owns a freaking castle talks about how rich he’ll be . . . ummm . . .) I think the problem here can be pinned on Christopher Nolan. His Joker was so popular that people seem to think that a villain with that kind of reckless abandon and seeming directionless . . . ness can somehow be the norm. What people fail to realize is the Joker should be the exception, not the rule. Not all villains can or should be chaos-seeking anarchists . . . I mean, I guess if you really want to do that, you can, just commit to it. Anything’s better than a villain with no real clear objectives or goals who doubles as a walking advertisement for Under Armour (yes this is the case).

 

5. What Have They Done to Donatello?

The bow-staff-wielding , purple-masked Turtle is my favorite, as I’m sure he is to any smart person who needs a cool hero, so I’ll make this short and sweet: Donatello is supposed to be intelligent and bookish in an appealing and sophisticated way . . . sexy smart, if you will. He should not be geeky and nerdy and freaking wear glasses with tape around the bridge!!! Okay I’m done.

 

4. The Megan Fox Drinking Game

Looky there! You get three drinking games! This one’s quite simple. Take a shot any time you see Megan Fox do one of the following things (be prepared to get wasted) –

– becomes the Exposition Fairy (see above)

– says the word “vigilante” (I don’t know why, but her delivery of this one word is so awkward).

– pulls out her freaking phone to take a picture (there is a moment she does this that defies all logic and sanity)

– says another character’s name for absolutely no purpose that exists in reality

– and finally, my favorite, any time she makes this face:

Or really anytime you catch her holding any sort of expression with her mouth slightly open like that. Is there a reason she can’t close her mouth?

 

3. Moments That Defy Logic and Have No Relation to Reality

I can’t tell you how many times I held my hand out to the screen in disbelief, thinking, are you serious? That made no sense. Here’s a sampling (again, how I wish I had had a notebook to better document this)

– An explosion rips through the Turtles sewer hideout, dropping rubble onto Splinter. April somehow manages to remain unscathed and keep her yellow leather jacket free of both tears and even dust and also overlooks her newly found but dying rat friend who just got pummeled moments before. Instead, she follows after the captive Turtles (without being caught) who are clearly being kept alive and who she is clearly not in a position to help.

– Sensible actions seem to be difficult for Miss O’Neal, even as a child. When the fire is set to the lab that burns her father’s body, rather than being traumatized at finding her dead father, or, if she were more astute, recognizing that he was shot first, she instead turns her attention to a rat and four small turtles that she will brave an inferno to save (and again, no signs of having walked through a burning room).

– At the end of the film, the Turtles keep the top of skyscraper carrying earlier mentioned poisonous gas from hitting the ground because if it does it will explode and the gas will be released into the air for a ten-block radius because that’s totally how gases work. Let’s keep in mind that prior to them getting the said skyscraper top safely and gently to the street, pieces of this building have been falling into the onlooking crowd for about fifteen minutes, so I’m pretty sure they’re going to notice the massive hunk of metal falling to the ground with four large reptiles onboard. Also keep in mind that this all happens in broad daylight. Yet the Turtles thank April after the event for “keeping their secret” and not exposing them to the media. Ummm . . . what?

 

2. Audience Confusion

This is, I think, the biggest struggle to overcome for any Turtles film adaptation. Sure, franchises like X-Men and Spider-Man have had to decide what audience they wanted to appeal to, but I think it’s harder in this case because the idea itself is perhaps more juvenile and far-fetched than most others. Anyone taking on this endeavor has to ask: do we try and create new fans from a younger audience or do we appeal to those who feel nostalgia for the characters and do something a bit more adult? Or both? This film was all over the place. The humor ranged from what would appeal to a five-year-old to what would appeal to a fifteen-year-old. The complexity of the story and characters were such that a snail or a tree could grasp them, but sprinkled here and there were some fairly adult moments, including one in which a character clearly and deliberately checks out Fox’s bent-over derriere. Plus the choice of language wasn’t exactly suitable for anyone under the age of ten (give or take, depending on your level of tolerance). Any attempts at depth were . . . well, actually, I’m not even sure we were going for depth at all, even though that may have seemed the case a time or two, meaning adults aren’t going to have much if anything to take away, and kids have no morals to the story.

 

1. The Rise of Bayhem

What is most disturbing about all of these things is what it portends for the future. Contrary to popular misconception, Michael Bay did not direct this film, he produced it. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, we have indulged this man’s loud and obnoxious pipe dreams of being an important filmmaker for so long that he now has enough money to finance films. What’s worse, TMNT leads me to believe that he has a following, a cult, if you will, of young filmmakers who will stroke his ego by replicating his style* and turning out the same kind of mindless schlock that he has been blasting onto the silver screen for over a decade, thus making him more money with which he can make more films. These are dark times.

*The style of Michael Bay (or “Bayhem”, as one vlogger called it) – never-static shots; distracting CGI; void of beats, pauses, or even a gulp of air; the script usually has some element of nostalgia to draw in adults; the actors are usually just one rung above B-List (if that); helicopters and lampposts. Lots and lots of helicopters and lampposts.

And it is precisely for this fact that I ask of you, my four blog-readers, to cast your vote elsewhere. Demand better of Hollywood. Don’t justify this one just because you love the Turtles. You’ll be heartbroken anyway. Don’t let the opinion of your friends who say “oh it’s not that bad” deter you. Don’t even let the idea of a movie so bad it’s entertaining lure you into putting more money in Bay’s pocket. He must be stopped. Think of your other beloved childhood memories. Think of the one you love the most. Now imagine Michael Bay getting his hands on it . . . gross. Do you want to see the Michael Bay-produced Pokemon film? Or the MB Dexter’s Laboratory? Heaven forbid the MB Reboot or Powerpuff Girls. If we are to stop this madness, if we are to stop the Bayhem, then we’ve got to start by keeping his films from always being number one at the box office.

 

Okay, if only because it means it would get made I’d let him do Reboot.

 

-Blake L.

The Oscars According to Blake

For the first time in my 25 years of life I have managed to watch every single Best Picture nominated film before the Oscars (barely, I might add. Had Nebraska not shown up in Redbox this week it probably wouldn’t have happened).

So,  for the first time ever, I feel like I can make some honest judgement calls and predictions as to how it will go this year. We’ll start with the technical awards, go to acting awards, then finish off with Best Director and Best Picture (yes, I will be skipping some categories that I can’t really speculate on like foreign films and shorts).

Without any further ado, here is The Oscars According to Blake.

Sound Mixing/Sound Editing
I put these two together, a. because I’m a little clueless as to what does and does not make good sound mixing or editing in a film, and b. because I’m thinking most of the technical awards are all going to the same film. While I could imagine Captain Phillips or maybe even The Hobbit taking one of these, I’m 90% sure it will go to the obvious choice.

And the winner is: Gravity

Visual Effects
The problem here is that the Oscars like to clump the awards around one or two films. Rarely, if ever, do you see a lot of different films winning one or two awards a piece (though that was the case last year, which was just a weird year).  Again, this one could potentially end up with The Hobbit (Benedict Cumberbatch’s motion captured performance as Smaug is mind-blowing) but the statue seems slated for, again, the obvious pick.

And the winner is:  Gravity

Costuming
American Hustle is the definition of a dark horse. No award is in the bag for it (well, except one, which we’ll get to), but it has the potential of stealing one or two away from the obvious choices, including this one. Despite that possibility, I think the clear runaway here shouldn’t have too much to worry about (I’m so glad this film is at least going to win something).

And the winner is: The Great Gatsby

Makeup and Hairstyling
I cannot express how angry I am at this category this year. No nod for Christian Bale’s comb-over in American Hustle, but we’re actually going to nominate a Jackass movie? Oh well, at least it makes the winner obvious. Thank you Jared Leto.

And the winner is: Dallas Buyer’s Club

Production Design
This is maybe the first of this list that isn’t quite so obvious. My pick is based solely on how the awards have played out so far (with a bit of fan-boy bias), but this award is another that American Hustle could run away with, and I think there’s even a chance Her could take this one (which would be nice, seeing as how such an excellent film is going to be really short-changed otherwise).

And the winner is: The Great Gatsby

Cinematography
There’s really no point in debating this one. Biggest shock of the night for me will be if this film doesn’t win.

And the winner is: Gravity

Film Editing
This award has always confused me so maybe someone out there can help. I mean, how does one know how well the editing was unless you see the original cut? The Wolf of Wall Street may have been way too long as a finished product, but what if the original cut was twice as long? So, based on my general feel of film’s pacing, the winner is again what is shaping up to be the star of the evening, but I guess any one of them (including our dark horse again) could steal it away.

And the winner is: Gravity (though don’t quote me on that one)

Music – Original Song
This one comes down to two choices: the more popular song that everyone on Earth is covering and Mormon moms are debating over, or the song that pays homage to the late Mandela. I”m pretty sure it’s the former (Can’t wait to see Idina perform it live).

And the winner is: Let It Go – Frozen

Music – Original Score
I am shocked that the score from 12 Years a Slave wasn’t nominated. Hans Zimmer pulled back his normal foghorn audacity and created a simple, violin-solo-driven  score that is par in my opinion to Williams’s work in Schindler’s List. Without that, watch out for Her and Philomena, but I think this one will go to the other film of the night that will be largely ignored.

And the winner is: Saving Mr. Banks

Writing – Adapted Screenplay
My favorite script of the bunch is Philomena, and I want it to win so bad. If the film wins anything it will most likely be this one, but I think Wolf of Wall Street has a better shot of pulling it away from the likely winner.

And the winner is: 12 Years a Slave

Writing – Original Screenplay
Her deserves this award. Period. I think most people out there would agree with me, so hopefully the Academy does as well. But, once again, you’ve got the dark horse of the night in the mix, and Dallas Buyer’s Club might surprise you. But if we’re talking which script was the most creative, innovative, honest, real, and relevant to the world we live in, it’s not a hard choice. Plus this one might be the only award this film gets, which is a crying shame.

And the winner is: Her

Animated Feature Film
Most might say that the mouse has this one in the bag, but don’t forget that the Academy likes to honor veteran artists and give career awards, particularly to those who clearly are stepping away from the business. That’s why I won’t be shocked if Miyazaki’s The Wind Rises ends up winning.
But it probably won’t.

And the winner is: Frozen

Actress in a Supporting Role
Remember how I said that American Hustle probably has one award in the bag? The dark horse of the dark horse for this category is 12 Years’s Lupita Nyong’o (and it wouldn’t shock me) but I think Hollywood’s brightest star is getting another award for her collection. It appears she and David Russell can do no wrong together.

And the winner is: Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Actor in a Supporting Role
I remember a while back when Paul Giamatti won every Best Supporting Actor award imaginable for his turn in Cinderella Man. Something very similar is happening this year, and it doesn’t hurt that it’s coming for a politically-charged film and role. I wish the first-timer Barkhad Abdi could be recognized for his wowing performance in Captain Phillips, but it’s not going to happen. This is the one award I would bet money on, though I doubt anyone would challenge me.

And the winner is: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyer’s Club

Actress in a Leading Role
This is the biggest question mark for me this year, as I can see reasoning for almost every candidate. While the likely winner is in the same boat as Leto, having already won every other Best Actress award, arguments could be made for Sandra Bullock, who gave the performance of her career in Gravity, or for Amy Adams, who’s part of the dark horse gang and did win the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Comedy. Then there’s Judi Dench, who the Academy might honor with a career award for Philomena, seeing as how her acting days are numbered with her failing eyesight. And of course, we have to throw in a nod to the reigning queen of awards, Meryl Streep, for her latest in August: Osage County. What makes this even more difficult to decide is the recent bad press Woody Allen has had, which could take away the award from the likely winner. If the Academy is going to surprise us this year, it’s in this category.

And the winner is: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine???

Actor in a Leading Role
I think Bruce Dern’s nomination was simply Hollywood’s way of forgiving him for killing John Wayne all those years ago (a move which even the actor admits is what destroyed his mainstream career). I honestly think his spot should have gone to Tom Hanks, who gave his best performance since Apollo 13 in Captain Phillips. So with him out that leaves four. This award is the only one that I don’t think American Hustle could steal. Bale was good, but not as good as the other three. Perhaps it is finally Leo’s turn, but I think the Academy still wants to see more from him, and without Scorsese giving him tailored roles. That leaves Chiwetel Ejiofor, who gave a heartbreaking and powerful performance, and the likely choice, who  I think the Academy is going to recognize for the incredible 180 he has pulled off in the last two years of his career. Still, watch out for DiCaprio and Ejiofor. I’m still amazed Hanks wasn’t nominated.

And the winner is: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyer’s Club

Best Director
Both this one and Best Picture come down to two films. While the Academy rarely splits the two awards between two films, I could potentially see it happening for the second year in a row (it happened with Life of Pi and Argo). Having said that, I don’t think Steve McQueen can win unless he also wins Best Picture. My choice and the likely winner should walk away with this one no matter what. He’s had it coming for a long time.

And the winner is: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

Best Picture
Last year was an interesting year for the Academy Awards in that there was no clear runaway winner. This year is almost the exact opposite. I think any one of these films, with the possible exception of one, would have beat out most of the contenders from last year – they’re all runaway winners. Let’s take a look at each of them. I’ve ordered them from least likely to win to most likely to win.

Nebraska
This is the one that confuses me. It was a good film, but I feel other films this year were better – Saving Mr. Banks, Fruitvale Station, and Frances Ha, just to name three.

Philomena
I adored this film . . . it’s easily one of my favorites of the year (see my list at the end of this post). Unfortunately, it just didn’t quite have the momentum of the others.

Captain Phillips
This is the first example of one that, in any other given year, would have had a better shot, and most certainly would have beat out Argo last year. I’d say it’s lack of recognition is criminal, because it is a damn good movie, but I’d be lying if I said that the others weren’t better films. Doesn’t help that this one caught some bad press for it’s source material.

The Wolf of Wall Street
My first draft of this post had this one in a three-way tie with the next two, but then I remembered that the Academy has it out for Scorsese for reasons I can’t understand; which is why I think DiCaprio needs to work with other directors if he wants the gold statue. Ironically, this satirical romp of debauchery and irreverence is probably the second most culturally important film of the year after 12 Years, being one that people need to see, even if they don’t want to or feel sick to their stomach while viewing it. Excellent film, but not going to win.

Her/Dallas Buyer’s Club
I’m not sure which of these would be more likely to win if the top three weren’t around – that would be interesting to see. While Her boasts the best script of the two, Dallas Buyer’s Club has the better acting chops. Both have a high level of cultural significance, and both are quite powerful in a more subdued way then the two top contenders. These are excellent films, and it’s  shame that neither is going to go home with much.

American Hustle
I’ve said it twelve times, I’ll say it again: this is your dark horse this year. While it’s still really unlikely, maybe, just maybe this one could surprise everyone.

And the winner is: Gravity/12 Years a Slave

I’ve gone back and forth a million times on this. I honestly have no idea. The two are such completely different films, yet they both pack a powerful punch that stunned audiences which is probably why they’re at the top of the food chain. Right now I’m leaning towards Gravity, but I fear the Academy may decide to get political as they are wont to do. Saying which of these is a better film is like saying which is better between Mac and Windows . . . all depends on who you ask and what speaks to people in films. Me personally, I believe Gravity is the better film, but I can see the argument for 12 Years. Ninety percent of the reason I’ll be tuning in on Sunday is because this one positively baffles me.

So there you have it – my Oscar predictions. Here’s a few other lists made up of the Best Picture Nominees.

My Judgement of Best to Worst:
Gravity
12 Years a Slave
American Hustle
Her/Philomena (tie)
Dallas Buyer’s Club
The Wolf of Wall Street/Captain Phillips (tie)
Nebraska

My Most Favorite to Least Favorite (the crowd-pleasers):
Gravity
Philomena
Her
American Hustle
Captain Phillips/The Wolf of Wall Street/Dallas Buyer’s Club (mood decision)
12 Years a Slave (great film but not one I can watch every day)
Nebraska (as you can tell, I’m not to thrilled about this one, though it was good)

My Thoughts on What You Should/Need to See, Most Important to Least
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street/Her (both biting criticisms of our current society, but make sure you can handle the graphic content of Wolf)
Philomena (Powerful in it’s simplicity)
Captain Phillips (Unfortunately most fans of this one missed its indictment of American imperialism)
Dallas Buyer’s Club
Gravity (inspirational and moving, no doubt, but not as powerful a message as the others)
American Hustle (it’s a fun look at corruption, but it doesn’t really say a whole lot about it)
Nebraska (Why was this nominated again?)

– Blake L.