‘Tis the season to be . . . shopping.
Yes, love or hate it, the holiday season is upon us, bringing with it the zenith of retail that has become practically synonymous with the month of December.
Of course, the fun really starts once the turkey is digested on the day that, no matter how much you may dislike or find annoying, I guarantee you holds more terror and dread for a retail worker than any other person on any other day in the entire year: Black Friday.
Having worked in retail for three years myself, I had my fair share of Black Fridays and subsequent holiday shopping seasons. To give the uninitiated an idea, Black Friday and the following weeks until Christmas are like Retail Olympics . . . actually, the Retail Hunger Games is perhaps a more apt moniker: everything is on the line, there’s an initial bloodbath, you always feel like someone may kill you at any moment, and only the strong will survive . . . all for the pleasure of those with more money and more time than you.
I do miss those days in retail . . . for several reasons. Mostly I miss those lovable lunatics who were my coworkers (I’m not joking when I tell you that all retail workers are at least slightly unhinged; you couldn’t survive otherwise). And since I know that they and thousands of others like them are about to begin the most stressful time of their year, I thought I’d share with you, dear Internet, what you’ll never hear from them for fear of being fired . . . a fear I no longer have: the ten inner thoughts of all retail workers (and what to do about it).
10. “Am I invisible?”
You know how there are those stores where it isn’t long after you’ve walked in before some retail worker approaches with some rendition of “how are you doing today?” “can I help you find something?” or even just a simple “hi!”
Now, those of you out there who are decent human beings will actually return such greetings with a “fine, thank you,” “I’m just looking today,” or the well-mannered “hi,” back. But you would be amazed how many people out-and-out ignore retail workers in such moments. I know you might think it’s annoying, folks . . . I do. And I know you think that we’re saying these things just because we have to. While this may be true, believe me when I say that most retail workers aren’t required to do so, and they are genuinely attempting to be nice. Want to get your retail experience off on the right foot? Say hi back. Engage. Not only will it shock them, but it has the added benefit of getting you off their “potential shoplifter” list.
9. “This ‘in the back’ you speak of is an awful lie born in the depths of hell.”
Okay folks, here’s the deal: some stores do have a substantially sized back room where overstock is kept. But many do not. How to tell? If it’s in a mall and not one of the larger department stores, don’t count on it. And usually, if such an option is available, the worker trying to close a sale will bring it up before you do.
8. “I promise I know what I’m talking about.”
The logic here always confused me. I work at a shoe store . . . have been doing so for quite some time now, in fact. I know the products, I know the brands, and I know how this particular store moves its product. So why are you treating me like an idiot? These suggestions I’m giving you? They really are good suggestions. You may think I’m doing whatever I have to do to sell you something, but unless I’m selling you a car, vacuum or cell phone, that probably isn’t the case.
7. “I’m sorry, but I may have to kill your children.”
I am not a babysitter; my store is not a playground. I don’t know why some do not understand this. And I get it; I have an energetic niece and nephew. Some parents are honestly doing the best they can. I’m not talking to those parents. I’m talking to the ones who seem to completely forget they have children the moment they walk in the store. It seems the cruelest fact of life that such adults have the most destructive children imaginable.
You’re a parent. Take a moment to . . . I don’t know . . . PARENT.
6. “Listen closely: this is not a Middle East bazaar, nor do I own this company. This is a single location of a national chain, and I am but a single worker for it. The price is what it is. I cannot change it.”
Enough said.
5. “Wanna know a secret? The nicer you are to me, the better your chances are of getting what you want.”
The other logic I just don’t understand. Some shoppers are under the impression that being a bully or demanding toward a retail worker will get them what they want. Nine times out of ten, if you’re nice to retail workers, they will bend over backwards to make your experience in their store as positive as possible. That coupon you forgot in the car? Being nice is more likely to get the store’s copy scanned for you than actually asking for it. Don’t have your size? Treat the person helping you like a human being and they’ll find it at a nearby store or have it shipped to you. Have a return or exchange that isn’t exactly within the store policy? Smile, don’t argue, and you may just get your money back.
4. “You will immediately become my mortal enemy if you dare make that joke when your item won’t scan.”
You aren’t being clever. You aren’t being funny. Every retail worker has heard the “oh, it’s not scanning, I guess it’s free” joke more times than you’ve ever been shopping in your entire life. Remember, if the scanner isn’t working, that means something has gone wrong, and your stressed cashier is now being delayed in doing their job, most likely with a line of customers ready to checkout that’s stretching back to the door. Never, ever, do this.
3. “Get off your damn phone.”
Unless my store has a self-checkout (which it probably doesn’t), then the exchange of money and goods is going to require you to interact with the human being in front of you. Do you even understand how rude you’re being when I’m trying to make sure you had a positive experience in my store and ensure that the purchase goes smoothly and you’re only responses are to nod, shake your head, and shove your credit card in my face? Unless the person on the other end is dying, your conversation is not that important.
2. “Please, oh please go away. It is nine o’clock. We are closed, and I am becoming more homicidal with every passing moment.”
Do you like going home when you’re workday is finished? So do we. And guess what? We aren’t going to go home as soon as the gate is closed or the doors locked. We’re going to probably be here another half an hour to an hour cleaning up, closing out the registers, and making the store ready for the next day. Unless you have your selections in your hand and are heading to checkout, your leisure time is officially taking away from mine. Leave. Side note: those of you who wait until Christmas Eve to do your holiday shopping are the reason why we can’t be with our families more during the holiday. Stop. Doing. It.
1. “Believe it or not, I really do like my job . . . most of the time.”
Contrary to belief, retail is not filled with nothing but immature high school students or unqualified minimum-wage slackers. Case in point, I worked for a year in retail after I had a bachelor’s degree. Do the hours sometimes suck? Yes. Do we hate working holidays, weekends, and really any time most of the world isn’t working? Absolutely. But by and large, retail workers really do like working in retail. Why? Because we like people, and we like working with people. We like making your day better with a pair of shoes, a new gizmo, or that toy you’re getting your kid for his birthday. What we don’t like working with are creatures who sure do look a lot like people, but act nothing like sane, rational, decent, or courteous people. We also aren’t fans of people under the impression that the store is run by robots who exist solely to bag up your purchase and scan your credit card.
In short, act like a decent human being, treat retail workers like human beings, and we’re all going to get along just fine.
– Blake L.
[Awkward Pause] 